Mother's Day

I tried to call my children several times and Martin wouldn't answer the phone.  Well, later that day he finally allowed the children to call and J was telling me about the card he made me at school.  It was so hard to hold back the tears.  This phone call didn't last to long becasue I could hear Martin in the background telling the kids to hurry up because they had errands to run.  As my children grow older, they will realize a whole lot more than Martin will ever want them too.....

Conversation with my son...

My 9 yr old informed  me that his dad told him "if his mom did everything she was supposed to do, she could come home" . First of all this is completely out of line for him to discuss this with a child....Second..I would never ever put myself in a position to endure the abuse from him or his insane family.....

Martin wants all conversations to recorded.....

As I said earlier, "I think it's an excellent idea"!  You told me that "This is going to be kind of hard".  When I told our daughter to tell her teachers if there is something that she can't say to me on the phone she said "She is not ALLOWED to say the police were here", that clearly shows that she is being coached on what to say and not.

I would like copies of all the recordings if you want to do this, this is you're idea and I feel I should be provided with copies of what you have.

Paula was witness to what was said tonight, so I hope your not planning on botching the recordings. 

I think CPS needs to hear the recording from tonights phone call and I will call them and let them know this.

I pray this isn't so....

My daughter informed me tonight that her dad touched her.  I asked her how and she said she was scared.  I called 911 and they went over and spoke to my children and more investigations will be done.  It's hard to believe that this can happen, but as a mother I have to take my daughters accusations seriously......

Starting over....again!

Well,  I'm off to California to be with my family.  I'm truly blessed to have a family who loves me and cares about me.  I'm starting all over again, it's very terrifying at the same time I'm looking at this as an adventure.  I'm being tested in every way right now and I know with God I will make the right decisions and I will live my life to the fullest.  My children love me and I love them, that will never change.

I will see you soon family and friends.....

E-mail sent to Martin 2/27/2011

You have the kids so far removed from me emotionally, do they know how much I love them and miss them? Do you care?  I don't think so, the only thing you care about is yourself.  You're a selfish person who tries to make everyone believe you're something your not; a human being.  I can feel and tell from our phone calls that you have made it you're priority to eliminate me from their lives.  You don't even have the decency to send a picture or encourage our young children to call their mom, I initiate all the calls.  If you had their best interest at heart you would encourage and help us bond.  Yes, as you know, I don't have the means, transportation or ability to physically come and see them, but you seem to think it's more important for our children to bond to others than their mother.  Do it for the kids, Martin, not me.

Take a look..........

Take a look at everything that transpired through our marriage.  We had some rough roads, mistakes were made; we are human after all, but the calculating things that were done out of revenge, bitterness and hatred had no place here.  My kids are the ones who are going to suffer the most in the future.

I'm not perfect! Martin isn't perfect!  Martin can help change things, but he refuses to do so because it would not benefit his mother.  His mom wanted it all, she wanted the grandchildren, her children and to monopolize on everybody's time, so long as it was with her and what she wanted everyone to do.  She threw tantrums when we as a family wanted to do something on our own, if it didn't include her as the center of attention, she made our lives pure hell!

If she was my mother, I guess I would be afraid too.  On the other hand, like I have said before, if you would of focused on you're family, Martin, things would of been different.  You can't focus you're life on pleasing your mom.

When we first met you told me you're mom was controlling, I had no clue it could be as bad as this, you also told me you're sister was not nice and if she did anything you would step in; which you never once had the gumption to do so.

I lost respect for you.

Unbelievable!!!

Martin pulled the ultimate!  I thought I had seen the worst of him, but unfortunately he has more demons that I thought.  My son J was making his "First Holy Communion" this school year, and I assumed it would be around the same time as lent like all my other friends kids who attend Catholic schools.  Well, I spoke to J on the phone a couple of weeks ago and I asked him if he was looking forward to making this sacrament, he told me "Mom I already did, last December", he told me he was sorry for not telling me. I told him it wasn't his fault, it was his dad's responsibility to inform me of special events.  I looked on the school calendar and there wasn't anything mentioned about it, nor did I get any e-mails, etc... I feel really sad that my son feels guilty that he was obviously coached to NOT tell his mom about this very special event in his life. 

More from Claudia Broome....

http://claudiabroome.com/?p=5679

Just another day dealing with a control freak..... E-mail to Martin

You told me a month ago that the only time I am allowed to call my children was between the hours of 6:45 and 7:30 due to their bedtime.  The short time you allotted doesn't always work out and I have tried to call them after these times, and on rare occasions you have actually let me speak to them; this is very out of character for you since you have gone beyond trying to erase them from my life.

The kids told me they go to bed at 8:30 tonight...

Please clarify what your new rules are?  

His response....a week later

During the week dinner is usually over by 6:30.  Bedtime is 8:00, promptly.  This would be the best window to call.  On the weekends, things are pretty open.  Bedtime is 8:30, sometimes 9:00.

 

E-mail sent to Martin 1/24/2011

It was brought to my attention by J tonight that you have told him that I am not in his life because as he stated 'I have done bad things'. As part of the divorce process I know that we were both required to attend the For Kids Sake Seminar. In this class the emphasis was placed on protecting our children's best interest. Telling our children lies and hurtful things about me only serves your agenda. I hope that filling our children's heads with lies helps you to sleep better at night.

In the end both you and I know the truth that we both have flaws, but you are a spineless heartless individual that only cares about yourself and pleasing your mother.

One day our children will be old enough to know the truth that you manipulated me and stole our precious children from their mother. In no way is your heart in the right place because to say ugly things about me only hurts the children because they are a part of me,  therefore any reflection of me is a reflection of them. If you believe the lies you tell yourself then keep them between you and your mother.

On another note, using J as your messenger or should I say middle man because you are too much of a coward to approach me, is a pathetic spineless act. Do not use our children as your personal messengers, this is very inappropriate. I have never, or in the future will not be using our children to discuss issues between the two of us. Please do not make requests for the Wii or anything else for that matter through our children. The Wii was bought for the children and I to use together, Jeffery stated that you told him I was wrong, and since it wasn't being used it should be sent to your house. How do you know what is being used and not?  This is just another cowardly attempt to discredit me in the eyes of our children.  In other words,  by telling them this you are telling them I will never see them again.  I don't owe you any explanations for anything, you are no longer my keeper.

It's very clear that you didn't listen to what was said in the Seminar, the seminar was not based on your needs.  I think you were to busy thinking of ways to slander me for your sake.

Broken...

Feeling so broken lately.  I feel as if there is no end to this path most days and the new year is just that; another year.  When will I ever feel complete again?  How can I ever possibly feel complete with my children so far and Martin doing everything in his power to keep us apart?  This isn't fair, I know life isn't fair but this is cruel.  What am I supposed to possibly learn from this?  Was I such an awful person that I deserved this?  I tell myself every year this will be the year I will find the new me.  Well, it has been since 2008 and it is now 2011 and things are still a mess and I am still hurting.  Through my life I had a lot of heartache and this by far, is the worst.  Sometimes I see a light and then it's gone.  I pray that I will be at peace one day, but how can that ever be? 

"The Man in the Glass"

When you get what you want in your struggle for wealth...And the world makes you king for a day...Then go to the mirror and look at yourself...And see what that man has to say...For it isn't your father or mother or wife...Whose judgment upon you must pass...The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life...Is the guy staring back from the glass...He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest...For he's with you clear up to the end...And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test...If the guy in the glass is your friend...You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum...And think you're a wonderful guy...But the man in the glass says you're only a bum...If you can't look him straight in the eye...You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years...And gets pats on your back as you pass...But your final reward will be heartaches and tears...If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

I thought of Martin when I read this in the paper this morning....

Loving Life

I love my children, myself and this wonderful world that we live in.  I am in awww when I see beautiful things again.  There is always a rainbow at the end of every sorrow, sometimes we just have to be patient and wait until God gets us there.  We have to remember God does things in his time not ours. 

I realize I will still have my down days, but they are getting farther apart than they once were.  I am making incredible strides and I am proud of being me again. 

Hugs to all who are still in the fog; I promise things will get better, you will have strength again. 

Do the Turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a great day everyone!!!

Wave's

Just like most people who are divorced or facing divorce the emotions come in waves; just like a death.  You have all of these emotions that you feel, but we have to sit down and take a deep breath and say to ourselves this is okay to feel this because it's part of the healing process.  For me, it's more of how my divorce happened not the shock of actually getting a divorce because I sought an attorney before he did, but how Martin was such a snake.  It is still hard to digest his actions.

I'm still going through the healing process, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Abuse

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/abuse_and_addiction/understanding_emotional_abuse/faqs_about_emotional_abuse.aspx

Martin

I met this man and fell in love with him because I saw a wonderful person; no he wasn't perfect, none of us are, but when you see the good qualities in a person you over look the imperfections and concentrate on the positive. 

I believe that marriage is always going to have times of trouble because God made us human and we make mistakes and we will never be perfect; only God is, but we do owe it to  one another that the vows we made were to stick together, those vows that were supposed to make us one.

Well, that is how it should be but the statistics on divorce are true indicators many of us who entered into the promises we made at the alter were only words that were not taken as serious as they should have been.

I will marry again and I know that I will be much wiser and a great wife one day.

Seeing things in a different light

As time goes by I can see that both Martin and I were victims to each other.  I did many things I shouldn't have and he did things to me as well.  I guess when your caught up in the moment you don't recognize the wrongs.  It's so sad it takes a divorce to realize these things.  It's sad that people don't spend more time focusing on the marriage and fixing the things that come a long before they escalate to a point of explosion that leads to many divorces.

I truly am sorry for the things I did that contributed to the break down of my marriage.

The Holidays..

This is the worst time of the year when it's supposed to be the happiest....

I will get through this year once again because I know there are some happier ones in my future.

Hope

I have hope and have learned so much about myself through this process.  I have learned that I have more strength than I ever could have imagined, that God can get you through anything and that there are tons of wonderful people in the world.

I will never stop loving people or trusting! 

I have goals to move forward and I know that I am strong enough now to get started on them and accomplish each and every one of them.

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

http://claudiabroome.com/?p=3532

My Family

Well I was with my family in California I watched as my younger cousins and nieces played together and were doing things little girls do and was so sad that my daughter couldn't be there to learn the new dances and games they were all playing.  I could hear the laughter and I felt so sad because I know my kids would of enjoyed themselves being with their cousins.

Martin didn't let me talk to the kids for 7 days well I was in California attending my grandmothers funeral.  He finally gave in after I left him a message and told him he was in contempt of court. 

Does He Know?

Does he know the pain I feel, that my legs feel like lead, that's it's hard to get up and push myself to do anything because I'm longing for my children, that money is so tight that I don't know how I am going to make it each day, that he destroyed me financially, emotionally, that he took the glow that I once had and turned it into darkness, that he took my soul when he lied and manipulated me to take my children.  Does he care? I doubt it...

Does he know how hard it is to get a job after being a stay at home mom for 8 years in this economy?  This is my biggest battle because without a job I can't travel to see my children due to not having money.  My kids will tell me what they want for Christmas and my heart sinks.  Martin once told me; these are actually his mother's words because she once told me this about one of her ex son in-laws, "It's hard on a man when he's out of work", well Martin that works both ways.

Does he know that I am doing the best I can to re-establish my life? Does he care? I believe he is just happy that he accomplished his goal to keep me distanced from my children, but does he know that he's hurting them as well? Does he care?

The Longing

I tried to call the kids last night but I didn't get a phone call in return.  What are my kids thinking, are they thinking I have rejected them?

I want to hold them in my arms and kiss them goodnight.  I want to see their smiling faces when they have accomplished something at school, I want to hold them and tend to them when their ill and kiss them and tell them mommy loves them and they will feel better.

Martin has stolen their childhood from me,  which is irreplaceable.  I will never get these magical years back.

How am I going to get through this??

The sleepless nights have started again.  I am so tired of not knowing my destiny.  I have learned that we really don't have control of our future because anything can happen that can take everything away in a heartbeat.  The only thing we can control; and let me tell you it's not easy, is keeping our selves in control of how we handle the circumstances that very moment we feel as if the mat was taken right out from under us.  How can you possibly make the right decisions when your so taken back by the shock? 

I feel like I have so much bottled up inside me at this moment it's unbearable.  I want to cry and scream; why did this happen to me?  Why did Martin have to make this so hard and cruel?  I will never have the answers to many of my questions but I will find hope some where knowing God knows my path and there is a reason for all of this.

My Grandmother's passing

Before the death of my grandmother I felt really positive about my future.  Since her passing I am now feeling I am ten steps behind where I was before my families loss.

I know I will be back where I was after I have healed from my loss.

It's been a while...

I missed you blog and I need you more now than ever.

There have been many changes in my life and one of the best things is that I am reaching out to God now.  How could I ever have thought I could through this without his guidance?

I am back in Washington, I just couldn't live that far away from my children; they need me just as much as I need them.  I miss them so much it aches.

I'm planning out my future.  It has been so long that I really though I would be a point by now that I would be looking back and saying to myself  "How did I ever get through that"; but here I am still wondering which direction my life is going and what the future holds for me and my children.

I am taking one step at a time and let me tell you it feels like my legs weigh a ton....

Happily Divorced

Happily Divorced

Your first responsibility is to yourself | Michael Hoffman - Transformational Speaker

Your first responsibility is to yourself | Michael Hoffman - Transformational Speaker

Divorce Attorney - Threats Made During a Divorce

Divorce Attorney - Threats Made During a Divorce

Florida....

I'm so torn about my move, but I know I have to restart my life.  My children mean so much to me and I dream about them almost every night, I wake up in tears.  I still question, how can this man who says he once cared for me be so evil??  I will never understand this and I'm done trying to figure it out.  My kids need to know that mom is happy and healthy.

I put so much blame on my former MIL.  She was so demanding and it put a huge strain on our marriage.  We were trying to make our way and she wanted it to be all about her and her needs.  Do these type of MIL's realize that one day they won't be around and they should want their children to have some independence.  I also lost so much respect for Martin because he didn't live up to our vows; "Two shall become one", "For better of for worse", "Sickness and in health".  I guess I didn't either, it takes two to make or break a marriage.

To Be Or Not To Be: Divorced

To Be Or Not To Be: Divorced

I feel as if I'm finally coming out of this fog that has been surrounding me for the past 2 years...I know I will survive and I am starting by taking my life back..

E-mail to Martin 8/7/2010

I'm so tired and worn out from everything that transpired during the divorce and after.  I feel as if I can't have a healthy relationship with my children.  You really went for the jugular and yes you destroyed me in many ways.  I need to move on with my life.  My children will always be a part of me but I will not live by your rules, I'm sick of living under your thumb; so keep attacking me all you want because I'm taking my life back. 

E-mail sent to Martin 8/10/2010

Today I have received your request for a bi-annual report from the doctor prescribing my 20mg of paxil.  I am working on getting these and will forward you copies of what I get.  As I said in a previous e-mail I completely forgot; with all the technicalities you have placed on me; to further make it difficult for me to see my children it's hard to keep up with all your request.  As pitiful as (you are) they are, since you were with me when our perinatoligist prescribed them to me when I was pregnant with J.

On another note, I will also be providing to the court your denial of allowing me to see the children last June.

Good luck in life because you are definitely going to need it.  You should consider yourself lucky to find someone who will ever have you, I feel sorry for the person who will have to live with you and your disgusting family.

Ridiculous....

I I find it rather pitiful that any parent would go to this extent to keep children from the other parent..Martin requested in our initial parenting plan to have a bi-annual report for 2 years from the doctor that prescribes my 20mg of paxil (which is an extremely low dose).  He was with me when our Peri-natologist gave this to me when I was pregnant with our first son because after the loss of my dear Cameron I was scared to losing another child and possibly losing my life as well.  
I guess he's grasping at straws now...I did remind him that I will bring to court the report of him denying me my visitation the day before I left for Seattle; I had to file a police report on this one.

Heavy heart

As I'm packing up and getting ready to move to a bigger city where I can find work, I feel as if I will never see my children again.  It takes two to have a successful marriage and two to end one.  Martin blames me for everything and takes zero responsibility.  I have to re-establish my career some how after being away for so long.  My children mean the world to me and they are in a horrible situation.  I feel so bad for them knowing that their mommy isn't going to be near by. 

Missing my kids more than anything...........

Today I am missing my kids so much I can't breathe.  I have these wonderful children and I can only dream of them and how they were when they were almost two years younger than they are today.  I want to be their mommy; I love them so much it hurts.

I spoke to the kids last Wednesday and C started crying; she asked when she sees me next time is that going to be the last and she said she wanted to live with me.  My boys aren't doing much better, I feel as if J completely shutting down on me and E is just chugging along through rough waters.

How will I ever survive this???  I don't know how to do this...... 

My move....

Well I had to make the move closer to a bigger city for better work opportunities, this was definitely not an easy thing for me to do.

On the last weekend; the Saturday before fathers day to be exact.  I wanted to take the kids to the park for a picnic and spend a quality day with them.  J had a birthday party to go to and I asked Martin to explain to him that mommy way moving and she wanted to spend this last Saturday with them, he of course thought the birthday party was more important than spending time with their mom.  So he made up  every excuse in the book to keep the children from me.  I had a friend drive me to his sister's house and he comes out without the children and tells me I can't have the children.  I then had to call a non-emergent number and file a police report.  C was crying and saying she wanted to go with mommy.  My boys came out first and it's like they were told what to do; they hugged me and told me good-bye.  It was strange that he didn't let them all come out at once; that's just Martin being his paranoid self.

Divorce: Nesting

Divorce: Nesting

E-mail sent to Martin

Martin,

Per your original request we are supposed to communicate via e-mail. Well, you never respond to them so I had to start texting you and sending the text messages to your e-mail account as well as mine. I am concerned about C she sounds very sad and lost with the things she says on the phone to me. She tells me she will never see me again and she's going to forget what I look like; what's that all about? You seem to think the kids are okay but clearly they are not. J has always held things in and he is doing it now, it's his defense mechanism. You really have no clue what is going on in their hearts because you want to think they don't need their mom. Martin, they do need their mom. I don't want my children to grow up feeling rejected or abandoned because you put so many limitations on the time they can spend with me, yes Martin you are responsible for that. I would ask you to please find it in your heart to see this, but I know you don't have it in you to look beyond your own personal gratification you seem to be getting from all of this. Things have to hit rock bottom before you wake up and finally realize what is going on, just like when you finally got how I felt about our infertility issues, it took the death of Cameron for you to feel anything. I hope our kids don't grow up with baggage that you clearly forced upon them.





Finally, can you answer Natalee about the house??










Gina

How???

How will I ever feel normal again???  I am so lost at this point in my life.  I have never in my life experienced pain like this before. 

Depression related to loss of a child

Depression related to loss of a child

Missed you Blog :)

Well I'm back home and feeling better.  I have so many unknowns at this point in my life.  I spoke to Martin as I was being released from the hospital today and told him again that I feel for the kids because growing up with out a mom is a very big burden to carry for any child and also as an adult.  He has crossed over to the dark side and it's very sad.  What he thinks he's doing is not in the best interest for our children but only to appease his mother. 

I hope one day he will open his heart and his mind and see what has done.  As I was in the hospital I was thinking of all the things he did prior to our separation and I can see now how is was making his case; him telling me if we had affairs it would make our marriage stronger and him telling me to leave for 6 weeks; yeah right I know he got this so called advice from his sister and his mother.  They have ruined him and I pray to God they will not ruin my children.

Feeling sick

I have been sick for about a week, I hope I feel better soon.

Al and Tipper Gore separate after 40 years - More politics- msnbc.com

Al and Tipper Gore separate after 40 years - More politics- msnbc.com

Trust

I honestly don't know if I could ever trust another man. Even if it feels right, in the back of my mind I will still wonder.

How do you get over this, or can you???

Making a new life

I no longer want to hang on to our photo album, the dress, candles or the invitation.  I want to put this all behind me and move forward.  I asked Martin if he would like to keep this stuff, if he responds it will be a miracle.  The only thing I am most grateful for are my children and I can thank him for giving me the injections for that since my little miracles were conceived through In Vitro Fertilization.

I feel as if I was his breeder......

Phone Call With Kids

The kids spent the weekend with Martin and his mom this holiday weekend.  They had a great time and sounded tired.

I sent Martin a text and an e-mail asking him to have the kids call me at approximately 4:30pm; of course he didn't do it.  I wanted to give him time to drive home and wanted to make sure it was convenient.  I ended up calling the kids at 7:50pm

Letter's written by Martin and myself to our sweet J

Click on them to view in a larger format

Sad Day

Today isn't the best day for me.  I miss my children so much.  How did things ever get to this??

Art

I have a couple of prints of who I believe to be the most tranquil artist; Claude Monet.  As I was laying on my sofa I was really looking and dissecting every inch of the "The Luncheon" painting.  I started noticing little things that I never noticed before.  It's as if they just popped out at me, as if it was speaking to me.


My life is this way now; maybe not as tranquil as the painting, but looking back at the past 16 years I should of noticed the red flags.  Sometimes we are so caught up in the moment that we neglect to concentrate on the important little things that make our future so wonderful or not so wonderful.  I see things so much more clear now and knowing I can't take back ever meeting Martin or putting my foot down on the things he did to me, our children, our family and our marriage, I have to focus on the learning experience, just taking off those rose colored glasses makes a huge difference.


 I will be okay and I will look back at this time in my life one day and say "WOW! that was a great lesson!"

E-mail sent to Martin

You have taken away the mother to your children Martin. Trust me it's not a good feeling no matter how they were separated, it's a heavy burden to carry through childhood and adult years. You will be the one to blame.

My music

The songs I play on here are songs that come from days when things were better and when I was younger and songs that remind me of my children and give me inspiration.  Sometimes they make me sad and I have to turn off the sound.

Grieving

I'm grieving the time I'm missing with my children.  I don't know how to adjust to this new change.

I got this book from my son J's God Mother in 2001.  I found it the other day and couldn't be more thankful for this gift at this moment in my life. Love you Madeline

How petty

I tried to call the kids but Martin was on his way home so he said after they are done eating dinner he would have them call me. 

He mentioned to me that he was not going to pay for my AAA membership anymore; which I didn't expect him too.  I paid to be added well we were going through our divorce proceedings, I think it was an additional $32.00.

Decisons...

I wish I could pay someone to make my decisions just for a day........

Tormenting

I can't even begin to tell you how sad I feel.  I miss my kids more than anyone can imagine.  How can I ever live without them?  Martin is so full of hatred and bitterness that he's tormenting me through our children.  I feel as if he does things like this to me to try and send me over the edge.  He is so cocky and even more controlling than ever now it sickens me.

When will this ever stop. 

Blue Day

I miss my kids so much.  I spoke to them on the phone yesterday and they didn't mention not coming over to visit.  I think Martin didn't like the fact that the kids had a great time with me on Mother's Day. 

Forgiveness

I forgive Martin for all he has done.  I'm not  the one he will have to face in the end. I can sleep at night knowing I didn't lie and cheat to get what I wanted.  I won't forget but I will learn to forgive him.  I feel sorry for him for he has a wounded soul and that is a lifetime of sadness.

Grieving

I really don't think I grieved the loss of my first child.  All children are a gift from the lord and I don't understand how or why he would take my son Cameron.  My life will never be the same but I have to learn to live my new normal and I will.

My children now mean the world to me they are also gifts from the lord and I am so thankful they are here and they were born healthy; what more can a mother ask for?

I don't think the grief counseling did me any good at the time because I wasn't ready to let it go in my heart but I am now.  I can't live with the rest of my life with resentment it will just destroy me and everything and everyone else around me.

I'm now ready to let go of that balloon and set it free.

Judith's Divorce Blog: GRUMPY OLD WOMEN

Judith's Divorce Blog: GRUMPY OLD WOMEN

CAN HE READ!!!

I sent Martin an e-mail and left him a voice mail and he calls me 5 minutes ago and ask if I'm coming to get the kids.  Hello, my transmission is out. 

Just Spoke To The Kids

Martin allowed the kids to call me.  When J handed the phone to him he hung up therefore no answer on if he will bring the kids to me for gas money.

Supposed to be my weekend with the kids

Well if Martin would of said something a week ago maybe I could of lined things up but he didn't mention it until 9:30 this morning.

I left him a message offering him $20.00 for gas money to bring the kids to me tomorrow; we shall see what he says.

My Children Don't Understand

Completely heart broken and my children don't understand.  Martin is the coldest man I have ever known.  He wants to put a barrier between my kids and I.

Divorce Abuses Children | Women's Divorce Support

Divorce Abuses Children Women's Divorce Support

Martin refuses to bring kids to me today

Martin just phoned and said he was not bringing the kids to me.  In our parenting plan it states I need to provide transportation but he knows my car is not working properly.  He has been bringing them to me over the last two months and I told him I know the kids appreciate it as well as I do.  He also told me I can pick up our daughter but not our sons because they have Cub Scouts plans.

Just another day dealing with a controlling man; one of the main reasons I couldn't stay in the marrige.

Left Martin A Message To Have Kids Call

Well no phone call.  I can't wait to see my little blessings tomorrow  though :).

My Path

Okay, I'm staying put in this little town for my kids because their needs are my priority.  I think I have a lot to gain and learn because I'm being forced to find out just how much strength I really have.  Sometimes we look for the easy way out of things and look past the lesson and therefore we don't grow as we should have.

I do know that my road is taking me somewhere I have never been and I should of gotten there a long time ago but I chose to ignore the signs and made my own path instead of the growing and learning path that was chosen for me.

Why people get married (written by kids)

1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep >the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

Thank You

Thank you for all of you who choose to take time out of your life to read my story.  I appreciate all the notes and support.  Just knowing your reading  this makes me feel good and it gives me strength.

I hope I'm helping other people who are going through tough times; our stories may not be the same but hurt feels the same and sadness does too.  I am not a judgmental person and never have been even before my unfortunate situation.  

So far I have learned, who cares what people think; after all they haven't walked in my shoes nor have I walked in theirs.  So whatever your story is there are others with their own.

My Grandparents

I had a dream last night about my granddaddy.  If he was still alive I know things would be different.  I miss him so much it hurts.  He was a real man and stood up for his family. 

I remember before he died I went to visit him with my youngest son. He was very weak from treatments of cancer but he kept going. He had a business and worked until the day he died.  He never gave up and made himself do things; he was living each day as his last.  I have to find the strength he had and I have it somewhere.

When I lost my grandfather I also lost my grandmother.  Grandma has Alzheimer's and can't communicate very well.  We used to talk on the phone sometimes 3 times a day but I talk to her maybe once a month now.  I miss her too, she was my rock.

I have God; he is my rock but honestly I'm finding it hard to have hope.

The Box

Another sleepless night.  I tossed and turned wondering how am I going to pull this off?  How am I going to be able to stay close to my children in this small town where jobs are hard to come by.  I will do it though; somehow.

I wake up and go to sleep every night looking at the bankers box full of legal paperwork.  Inside this box are pictures of me and my children doing things together, police reports, medical records and tons of declarations.  All eyes were on me and I had to defend myself not only as a mother but as human being.

Today is another day that I have to believe is a gift and I have to make the most of it.  I am doing everything possible to find a way to live close to my children.  In a perfect world Martin would like me to be out of the picture.  I told him that this would definitely not be good for me or our children.

Good Morning and needing WD-40

I wish this was a better morning for me.  I'm feeling pretty low with all the unknowns in my life at this point.  I didn't sleep very well with the wheels in my head spinning; I think I need to put some WD-40 in my ears sometime soon because my brain is getting tired.

One of my best friends and I were talking about all the things we used to have; the big houses, nice stuff, money and not feeling lonely or having to worry about mortgage payments or cars.  I told her I'm looking at this in a different light.  I think God made things happen so we can learn to appreciate people and ourselves more and forget about the materialistic things. There is always a message and something to learn if we dig deep enough.

I think we got so used to our "Stuff" that we forgot about the more important things in life.  Times are tough for a lot of people not just us divorcees but other people who lost their jobs, their savings and people who are ill and can't work not by choice but because of the burden of illness, these people aren't living like they used to either.  We are all living much more simple lives and that's not such a bad thing.  After all Jesus didn't drink "Crystal Champagne" or Mary didn't have "Ethan Allen" furniture.  Most of the things we "think" we need are actually luxuries.

I was disappointed that I was unable to speak to my daughter lastnight.  I did however speak to my boys and they were excited because they caught 30 fish all together.  I make sure to tell them how much I love them and miss them when I talk to them.  C was in the shower and Martin was supposed to have her call me back that but that never happened.  I look forward to our call tonight.

Since I don't have a secure job right now and don't know alot of people in this town I feel as if I'm living my life for every other weekend when I can spend time with my children.  It's a very lonely place to be.

Got my Java

I visited Charbucks Starbucks and got my half decaf mocha and I'm ready to roll.

Quote from a potential Craigslist buyer

I had to steal borrow this:

Man plans while God laughs...

My Family And Friends

Nope my family and friends aren't perfect but I can say one thing.  They always treated Martin with respect!  I suppose living 1200 miles away from them they really couldn't try to dominate us or our time and the ones that lived close by respected our family.

I can tell you one thing when it comes down to it when we need eachother were there for one another.  Martin didn't think I would get as much support during our divorce as I did from them.

I love them to pieces and we don't judge one another.  We are individuals and we don't pretend to be perfect nor do we hide our mistakes; we share them and learn from them.

Plans for the day

I listed things on Craigslist because I really don't feel like hauling a ton of stuff to the Western part of the state.  I'm going through my very crowded closet and donating a ton of clothes and shoes which I really don't need because I haven't wore them in a year.

Going to keep writing on this blog when something comes to mind and yes I am on my way to get some coffee.

Lost Respect

Not to long into our marriage I lost respect for Martin.  He would never stand up for his marriage and our family unit.  He always was afraid to tell his mom "no" if we had something else to do.  Trust me Martin's mom would throw tantrums if she didn't get her way and she wasn't the center of attention.  This caused our relationship a tremendous amount of stress.  I would have to be the one to set the boundaries because Martin was to chicken so I looked like the bad guy.  Oh well someone had to do it.  I wasn't about to let her control our lives.

I remember when we lost our first son she called the hospital social worker and was crying to her about how SHE just lost her grandchild.  The social worker comes into my room and says "Your MIL is a real pain in the rear ha".  I said yes she is!

There were a number of times his other family members would make inappropriate remarks and he would just sit there.  Be a man Martin!  

As you can tell this man is still nursing and it's very sad.

Church

I wish Martin would take the kids to church.  He thinks because the kids go to Mass at school he doesn't need to take them on Sundays.  When the kids are with me we go unless one of the kids aren't feeling well.

I want my children to get as much exposure to good Christian living as possible.  When my kids grow up I hope they learn good morals and values through Christ.  If they want to remain in the Catholic church that's great if they choose another Christian based church that's fine too.  As long as they recognize they know life will be a lot easier with God by their side.

This is something Martin and I together never did and look where it got us.

Phone Call With Kids

I just spoke to the kids and they are excited about going fishing.  One of Martin's high school friends has a boat.  C says that she's going to be the only girl going and the boys are excited their cousins and of E's baseball teammates is going as well.

I told them I loved them, stay safe and catch lots of fish.

Phone Call From Kids

Martin just had the kids call me.  They are at the Lilac Day Parade and they sound excited.  I missed them all day.

Now I can get a good nights sleep.

Feelings

As I sit here I'm thinking about how I was told how to behave and not behave during the divorce process.  

God gave us tears to cry when were sad, laughter when were happy and these are natural emotions.  

I remember a remark made by the G.A.L saying that she spoke to me on the phone and I didn't sound good therefore she assumed I wasn't stable.  Well of course I didn't sound good I was being put through the ringer and I'm sorry if I'm not narcissistic but I have emotions and I care about other people.

When it comes to my children I can't hold back the way I feel for them.  

Isolation

I feel so isolated living here.  I miss my kids so much today.  I left Martin a message to have them call me this morning but nothing yet.

I'm a people person and living here and not knowing many people is horrible.

Getting ready to move

I will be moving in the next couple of weeks and not looking forward to it.  It's time to start trying to rebuild my life.  Martin and I are supposed to go back to court in July and I need to continue getting stronger; believe me I have my days where I think I will be under his thumb for the rest of my life.


I believe that most G.A.L.'s do make some good decisions but in this case this particular one made a huge mistake.  I will have to live to the best of ability with whatever the future may bring me and with God by my side I will prevail.

Finding a job and running low on money to live

I live in a place where the job market is horrible and I have tried for 6 mths now to find a job where I can support myself but I have had zero luck.

It's hard when the kids come over and ask to go see a movie and I have to say it's much more fun to stay home and rent a movie or when they ask to go to a museum or out to eat.  I feel terrible because they don't understand how much things cost.

I'm having car issues now and can't afford to fix it right now makes it even more difficult.

I have no choice but to move back to the bigger city for work.  My kids are going to be heart broken but I have to rebuild my career.  I guess it doesn't help because I was a stay at home mom for 8 years and in this economy people with Masters degrees are taking reception positions or whatever they can get.

Things Martin said

While we were going through the divorce Martin said a number of things:

1. I was never the kids primary care give because I had help.  Well can you take two 3 year olds and a 4 your old to a museum or the science center by your self and watch them all carefully?

2. He claimed that I called him everyday and asked him to bring me home an 18 pack of beer; which he said he did and I consumed it all by myself.  I could never drink that much!  I think I would of been dead along time ago and besides if you thought your spouse had a drinking or drug problem would you bring it to them?

3.Oh yes and lets not forget he also said I had a severe emotional problem and was put in the psyche ward.  Yes I have depression issues but after living with this man you would too.  I have was put on an anti-depressant by my peri-natologist well pregnant with with J.   After losing my first baby and going through In Vitro an then having a hysterectomy put my body through a lot.

Time with my children

Okay so I had to go through alcohol classes which I learned a lot from.  I did whatever I was told to do to see my children.  I was not a street drug user nor a prostitute or a felon and definitely never abused my children.

Does this seem unfair to you??  Or is it just me??  Martin and I had a rocky marriage for years and we have wonderful children together.  My children are the ones suffering the most in this situation.

I can count the hours I have spent with my kids since October 2008.  Martin wanted to punish me through the kids for wanting the divorce initially but in his sneaky way he beat me to the punch.

Jumped through the hoops

Well I jumped through the hoops; had to attend alcohol classes and completed that.  Martin had to take an 8 hour drug and alcohol class.  Now I'm allowed to see my children unsupervised.  I find this to be completely ridiculous!  Crack mom's get more time with their children!

I moved to be closer to the kids; which Martin did not want me too.  He tried to pay me stay put and of course I said "no".  In his initial parenting plan he said if I stayed put he would give me money and I was only allowed to see the kids once a month.  As it is now I have them everyother weekend.  But they aren't allowed to stay the night.  So I get them from 9-6 on Saturdays and Sundays.

When my kids first came to my our new place they were so happy.  I went to pick them up and we had a fantastic day.  I took them to the library and we got books and we watched movies.  When it was time for my kids to leave my daughter started crying and asked me if this was going to be the last time she would ever see me again.  I said no sweetie mommy moved over here to be close to you. 

Martin is asking to relocate the children

The company Martin works for went bankrupt and he wants to move to the other side of the state.  I spoke to my first attorney about this since she was still on retainer at the time and she told me I should allow this; What was I thinking?!?!  

Well, I listened to her advice.  She said he needed his family to help with the kids; who's side was she on anyways?!?!

Meeting with the Guardian ad Litem November 2008

I wasn't really sure what to expect but I do know that 90% of the time the judge sides with them.  When we meet of course I'm not myself; how could I be after all that has been said and done.  Yes, I'm human and everyone is telling me how to behave.  Well I can't act is if I have it all together because at this point I don't.


I did some research on her before our meeting and found many remarks that aren't very good and I did find some that were; but mostly remarks about how this GAL mostly sides with the dads.

Before our meeting I gathered all my medical records as well as the kids and she basically has nothing to do but read them.  I paid for these items which saved her alot of time and money and she was still getting paid by Martin and myself.  I wanted to be completely upfront with her and told her everything.  She sat there without an expression on her face.



I'm sure while our divorce was pending the mistakes I made played into her decision.  She seemed to be on vacation all the time and communication was hard to come by with her.  This women was holding all the cards on the future with my children.

In the end she sided with Martin; he put on his boyscout outfit like he always did in public but little do these people know behind closed doors he's a completely different person when he's not on stage in front of an audience.

Having a GAL made me even more frantic because I felt like I was under a microscope. 

Premeditated

My attorney and therapist said that Martin premeditated this for months.  He lived up to what he told me "He would fight me to the bitter end for the kids and do what he had to do".  

He thinks he's only punishing me but he's actually hurting the kids more.

I had to let my attorney go

For one thing she wasn't worth the money and yes maybe I made her job harder.  I was out of options so I called C.L.E.A.R. who referred me to the "Northwest Justice Project".  

I went in for my appointment and was glad they were meeting with me; they usually only handle or take a handful of cases.

They are trying to work with me to represent myself but shortly after that decision they change their minds and take my case because Martin's attorney is bullying me and I didn't have the strength to take this on myself.  I never felt so weak in my life.

Back to 2007

October of 2007 after years of female issues I have a hysterectomy at the age of 38; they took both ovaries  since I had multiple cyst and tumors.  I figured I needed to do this now since I did have my three wonderful children.  I hung on as long as I could and that in it self was another roller coaster.

The doctors were amazed that I was able to live with it as long as I did but I wanted children so I did. 

Finding it hard to forgive at this point but I will because I am bigger than this

Martins knows this is not true and he sits there and allows this.  How can he do this to the mother of his children is beyond me!  I would of never done this!

First court appearnace

We come in and we get up to the stand and Martins attorney is telling the judge that he doesn't want to hear about me killing my children in the newspaper.  He is telling her that I just got out of a psyche ward and I'm am on 8 different kinds of medications for all sorts of emotional disorders; which is completely false.  I take blood pressure medications and yes one anti-depressant.  My attorney just sat there and said nothing! The kids are appointed their own attorney; Guardian ad Litem.

The judge than orders me out of the house and in order for me to see my children it has to be supervised.  Nothing was said about Martin taking the kids 300 miles away or his past behavior.

Finding a lawyer in a short amount of time

I am having a tough time finding a lawyer.  They are all booked for weeks and my court date is in a couple of weeks.  The attorney I wanted was going on vacation and he sent me to another.  I could of done a better job myself!  My uncle was giving me the money for my attorney and we found one initially that was really good.  My uncle has plenty of money but they have to look at your assets and pre-qualify you before they will take your case; which can take days.  We didn't have time.  So I get stuck with a crappy attorney.

I could of done better on my own!
 

Three weeks before

Three weeks before all of this happened Martin was in Germany working.  If he thought I was an unstable mother why would he dare leave me with our children??
 

It was all a ploy

Well when Martin dropped me off at the psyche ward he cut off all communication with me.  He never allowed me speak to the children.  I met with the doctors and social workers and they didn't think I need to be there.  I told them everything Martin told me to say and I told them I was not suicidal.  

The next day I call Martin and tell him I am getting released the next day and the doctors want to meet with him at 11am; Martin agrees.  Well at 11am Martin doesn't show up so I call him.  He tells me he's working on a project at work and he will be there at 2pm.  The doctors agree to wait.

Well he shows up at 1:45pm with his sister and they serve me with divorce papers and giggle and walk out.

I met with the doctors and they were concerned on how I was feeling; the only thing I could think about was getting to my children.  They asked if I wanted to stay another night to get a grip on what just happened and I told them "no" I want to get to my children.

When I arrived there I only brought my ID and a few personal belongings.  I left my cash and credit cards at home along with my keys.  I took a cab to my friends house and the hospital paid for it.  I get to my house and once again I had to call a lock smith to let me in.  

All the pictures of the kids are gone and their school uniforms.  I figured he was still in the area and would take them to school.  I called the school in the morning and they informed me the kids were not in school.  I am trying to get a hold of Martin and his family; I want to know where my kids are.  I get no answers from my phone calls.  I call the police and they said since we weren't divorced and there wasn't a parenting plan in force he was free to take them where ever he wanted.  I finally called the school where his sisters kids attended and they informed me they were indeed enrolled there.  He took them across the state and would not allow me to communicate with them.  I left him a message telling him I was going to drive over and get my kids.  He then returns my call and says it's not a good idea.  I call my family for advice and they said it would be a huge battle and the kids would get very upset; I didn't want to put the kids through anything more.

We had a scheduled court date and before the court date he called and said I could speak to the kids.  He apparently spoke to his attorney and they decided it was ok.  I was so worried that they thought I abandoned them.  I assured them I loved them and I would see them soon.

Never go to a Priest for marital issues

Tuesday morning I call my children's school and ask if they were there and they said "no".  I go to the school hoping to speak to the priest.  They weren't sure what time he was coming in.  I spoke to the school principal and called some of the other parishioners that were our friends because I needed support.
I waited all day for the priest and I called Martin and told him I wanted us to talk to him together.  He told me he would come in when the priest gets there.

Finally about 4pm the priest comes in and Martin arrives with his mom in tow again.  I told Martin I didn't want his mom in the room with us well we speak to the priest and he agreed.

We are sitting with the priest and Martin starts crying.  He is telling me about how wonderful I am and shares that he fears that I would call the cops on him and have him arrested; I don't blame him for this because it wasn't the correct way to handle things.  I should of done things different but I didn't know what to do.  The priest looks at me and says "I don't blame Martin for wanting a divorce".  Martin then says he wants me to get an alcohol evaluation and I told him that I don't drink alone I drink with him when we do drink.  He then turns to me and says that he thinks I haven't gotten over the loss of our first baby and wants me to admit myself to a psyche ward.  I told him I think you have to be suicidal for that and I ask him if I'm supposed to lie and he says "yes".  I turn to the priest and ask him the same question and he tells me to do what I have to do to get in.  Martin then calls our family doctor and tells her I'm suicidal and he won't let me speak to her.  

On the way to the ER we stop at a grocery store and I pick up a few items.  He is holding my hand and telling me that when this is done we would go to where we had our Honeymoon.  He had his mother with us.  When we arrive at the hospital she tells me I better be good at lying to get in to save my marriage.  All the way there she is telling me what to say.  We then arrive at the ER and I told the social worker I was not suicidal and wanted to live for my children.  Martin told me he would seek counseling and wanted to save our marriage.  He said he would finally get help and he would bring the kids to see me.

October 2008

Martin and I attend a neighbors birthday party and I'm asked to make the Martini's.  Well I had to test each one before I gave them their drink.  I hadn't ate that day so it hit my like a ton of bricks.  I felt so sick.  Martin and I return home and he's is nagging me about a dish in the sink and because I ate a piece of cake.  I didn't know it was the last piece of cake and it was E's. I felt terrible.

I can remember Martin waking me up on many occasions at 4am yelling at me because things weren't done in the house the way he wanted them.  I'm sorry but this Martha Stewart's days were over when I had became a mom of three.  I had to learn to relax and know that things would get done after I tended to my children; after all they were my priority.

Well I called 911 on Martin again.  Nobody was taken away this time and I know in 2006 I deserved it because I called and I payed the price.  I went to spend the night at a friends place and the next morning Martin comes to my friends house and has his mothers boyfriend in tow.  Yes he called his mother!  He told me I was poison to my children and he didn't want me to come home for a week.  I told him they are my children and it's my house as well.  

My friend drove me home and when I got there the house was locked.  I left my keys in the home the night before.  I had to call a lock smith to get in.  I couldn't find my keys still.  Well a few hours later he comes home with the kids and his mom and her boyfriend.  I ask him where my keys are and he said he locked them in the safe.

Monday morning I take my children to school and I'm trying to get ahold of Martin.  He's not at work.  I finally get ahold of him and we meet at a grocery store parking lot.  He and I talk and he says that we will work things out and he will seek counseling.  I told him to send his mom home because this is our issue not hers.  We are grown ups and this is our family.  Martin agrees.

Well he and his mom pick up the kids at school and he tells me to sit at the kitchen table and motions his mom in a position where she can hear and see us.  He tells me he retained an attorney and he wants a divorce.  I was floored because a few hours before this we talked about something completely different.

I went to my room and we were both crying.  I ask him to bring me my blood pressure meds and I tell him I feel like just dying.  I told him I took more meds than I actually did for attention; this was so foolish of me but I was in a daze.  After all he told me that I knew what we both wanted and that was custody of the children.  I go to the hospital and was released because there weren't any toxic levels of medications in me and I speak to the social worker.  She thinks that with all the stress I'm under is tremendous but she says people do things that out of character during times of stress.  I was scared of losing my children to this man who has clearly emotional abused me for years.  Our family care doctor knew me very well and my situation with Jeff.  She was my rock.

In July of 2008 I did go see an attorney and she wanted to eat him alive.  I didn't want that.  I wanted the kids to have access to both parents, I wanted us to live in the same school district.  I wanted the transition to be as easy as possible on the kids.  I went home and told him what I did like an idiot because I was always upfront with Martin.  He floored me when he told me he thought if we had affairs if might help our marriage; he heard this on the radio.  There has never been any infidelity on my part and I'm pretty sure not on his and I wasn't about to go there.  

Back to Monday evening.  Martin refuses to pick me up from the hospital and my friend Leslie picks me up and takes me home.  I pick up my daughter and bring her to my room.  Martin and his mom are sleeping downstairs.  I go to the kitchen to get something to eat and drink and he starts yelling at me.  I go upstairs and he follows me shoving me to the side and says C is sleeping in her own room.  I told he wasn't allowed to touch me and everyone starts calling 911 again.  The police come and this time I'm not leaving the house so Martin and his mom take my kids to a hotel at 3 am in the morning.  C was crying because she didn't want to leave mommy.

2006 and Marriage Counseling

After the incident with the police Martin and I attempt marriage counseling.  I lay all my feelings out and some concerns I have with Martin.  I was very concerned for one thing that this man didn't like sex.  When we met in 1994 he was a 24 year old virgin and I thought at the time wow that is really neat.  As the years went by I started thinking otherwise.  I was concerned that he was either abused as a child or gay.  I asked him several times and he would say "no".

I remember Martin sharing a story with me about when he was taking a class and met a man named Jerry.  He told me they hung 0ut quite a bit for months; bike rides, dinners and movies.  He told me that this guy invited him to his place one night for a soak in the hot tub and well walking Martin to his car he told he loved him and tried to kiss him.  I thought most men could tell if a guy was interested in them.  In no way am I against gay people at all.  We all live the lives we want.  But as the years passed this brought up some red flags.  We were out looking at RVs one day and I guess Jerry was there too and he ran me out of that place so fast.  It made me think he was hiding something.

If Martin is gay I think I should of been made aware of this; after all it would be my decision to marry a man in limbo.  Martin would never dare come clean if he is because it would disappoint his mom and his mom wants everyone to believe she has these perfect children and family and everything is everyone elses fault.

Well Martin is sent to another counselor for his control issues but drops out because he doesn't think he needs to be there.  I continue to go on my own and the counselor tells me to divorce this man.

Would of should of could of!  Well it's to late I can't go back in time.