Happiness turns into fear......

I read all the books and was counseled by the doctors and nurses on what to expect during the Invitro process but I never knew how much of a tole it would have on my body.  All the hormone injections and trips to the doctors to check hormone levels and all the ultrasounds were more intense than I thought.

During this process I felt as if I was doing it alone.  Martin did give me the injections but was never there for me emotionally.  I remember leaving him a note in his day timer telling him that I can't go through this alone and I needed him with me.

It's October and we got the news we are pregnant!  I was happy but nervous at the same time.  After my first trimester my doctor told me not to worry because 95% of women who reach their second trimester rarely miscarry.  I had some relief with those statistics.  I remember thinking to myself I can't imagine not being pregnant with my son.  I rented a monitor so I could hear his heart beat just to make myself feel better.  It was to good to be true for me so I needed constant reassurance.

It's March of 2001 and were having a pretty bad blizzard in Boston.  I feel something that's not normal.  I'm having cramps so I called the doctor and they told me to lay down and take some Ibuprofen so I did and it seemed to work.  A couple of days later I felt fluid and tried to call my doctors answering service but no answer.  I figured they weren't there due to the storm so Martin takes me into the hospital.  The nurse finally was able to reach the doctor and she asked if she should check me and he said to just send me home.  I had an ultra sound the next day so I called early in the morning asking if I could get in sooner than my scheduled appointment and they got me in first thing.  I saw my son as active as ever in my womb but I knew something was wrong by the look on the technicians face.  She immediately ran upstairs to my doctors office and came back down and told me I was 2.5 centimeters dilated.  I was sent to see my doctors partner since my doctor was not in the office and first he asked me about not being able to get in touch with him the night before via the answering service then he sent me to the hospital.  What I felt was fluid; I was leaking fluid.

Martin and I drive to the hospital where they check me in and all the doctors decide to send me to Beth Israel Hospital where they work with a Peri-natologist (high risk pregnancy doctor).  I get transported via ambulance and talk with the new doctor.  He does an ultra sound and confirms that I am indeed dilated and tells me that he thinks if he does a cervical cerclage it might keep my son inside me for only a short time and babies born at 26 to 27 weeks have very high chances of Cerebral Palsy and a number of other difficulties if they survive.  He then sent me home and tells me to come back to the other hospital that I was just sent from so he can do another ultra sound on me the next day.

I had a sleepless night of course.  I laid there listening to my sons heartbeat and thinking and crying I want you so much.  I never wanted anything more in my life than my son.  He was so active and happy and we had no clue what was going to happen.  I wanted to meet him and look into his eyes and tell him he was a true blessing and that I loved him with all my heart and soul.